Ramblings that have nothing to do with The Bachelorette

It's been an emotional week.

You know the kind? The kind when you feel like everything is horrible and so incredible all at the same time and you don't know how to sift between all the thoughts and emotions, then all of a sudden a song finds it way through the shuffle on your iPod and speaks to you so deeply tears flood your eyeballs?

No?

Okay well, I am currently in that state right now.

I turn 26 years old tomorrow. A time of great excitement and celebration, yes. However at the same time...birthdays carry such a different weight then they did when you were 10. They just do. Presents don't hold as deep a significance because you can typically buy yourself whatever you want at this point--and you begin thinking of all the things you already have which results in gratitude of the highest degree. Suddenly you find yourself getting all retrospective. What have I accomplished this year? Who is still in my life now? Am I happy with my life right now? I don't know about you, but when I do this, I get a lump in my throat the size of a baseball and I have to think of something like elephants farting so I don't cause a flood.

I started working at PF Changs again. I know I said I was extremely excited about this...but I wasn't being completely honest. Lemons into lemonade was all. It really was my last resort and part of me is wondering if I really made the right decision. It. Is. HARD. I mean, like, really really really hard. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I'm not the hostess/server I was two years ago. Um, quite frankly, I cannot handle the stress level like I once did. I nearly had a break down the first night I took tables by myself. Everyone kept complaining about how slow it was and I wanted to punch them all in the face and knock each one of their teeth out...but I couldn't because I was soo BUSY! In all honesty, I shouldn't have taken time to harbor the thought because I didn't have a spare second.

Irony at it's best. The morning of the first night I'm scheduled to serve, I get a call from a manager of my first choice job option to schedule an interview. I went Monday and now I'm praying that job will work out.

Robert leaves to Seattle for stunt school on Saturday. I'm so excited for HIM, but I'm not too excited for selfish little me. I'm not exactly looking forward to sleeping alone for three weeks. I'm not thrilled to be passing the time by working at a job that makes me cry the second I step inside my front door only to find that the person's shoulder I want to cry into isn't there. What happened?! I used to be SO strong on my own. Then he came along and now I can barely surive the thought of being without him. I'm still not to keen on the idea of him being set on fire either...I just have to shake that one off and pray and trust that he will come home safely to me.

It is a blessing I live so close to home, that my parent's are just a few minutes away. However, if I'm honest. It's really hard to be there right now. My mother has begun her cancer treatments. It's hard. She's having a harder time this go around and it's hard to watch. It's hard to hear about your mother weeping at night. It's hard when no matter what you say or do, you just can't lift her spirits. It's hard that when she looks in the mirror she doesn't see the strong beautiful woman that we see. It's hard because no one should ever have to go through something like this. It's hard because she is having to go through it all a second time. It's hard to be a rock for someone who has been your rock for so long. It's just....hard.

This is the song that came on my shuffle.

Beautiful.

-Jazara

I'm such a ball of emotions!

This morning was one of those "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed" kind of mornings. I went to bed hurt and confused by something I did not need to be hurt and confused by and woke up feeling lousy. I showered and got ready for church and was determined to turn my day around, but I wasn't successful. I still felt like a horrible wife, which only made me feel like a horrible person. I was quiet and reclusive all morning and Robert knew something was going on. He tried to relieve the tension by being his charming silly self, which only made me feel less deserving of him. To make the morning worse, I made us both late to church and so we missed the very essential part of our worship. I had so many things going on in my head and I wouldn't be able to express them to Robert for at least another couple hours. The worst! Now all my bottled emotions were coming to the surface and tears were beginning to fall. I'm too prideful and didn't want Robert or our ward to see me cry again, so I whispered to him to save me a seat then I would come find him. I rushed out the door and walked back in the snow to our basement apartment as fast as I could. Tears trickling down my cheeks.

I walked in the front door and took a deep breath before I started sobbing. I secretly wished my husband would magically appear in the front door to hold me and let me cry into his shoulder and listen to me while I sort out all my emotions the way he always does, but I had already told him nothing was wrong so he wouldn't worry.

The truth is, I didn't exactly know what was wrong. I was just feeling so upset. Upset that it was snowing. Upset that I made us both late. Upset that I had not gotten clarification on the matter from the night before. Upset that I had to go back to church to teach primary. Upset that my job sucks. Upset that my husband is in better shape then me...the list went on and on. I was swimming in selfish pity party and Satan only seemed to be creating obnoxious waves in this "woe is me" pool.
So I knelt down. The thing that works everytime. I knelt there and as I cried I felt a blanket of peace fall over me. My cries quickly turned to soft sobs, then into a slow whimper until my tears ceased. Then I was able to pray. Sometimes I feel like He lets me cry it out before the spirit gently whispers that everything will be okay and it gives me the strength to ask for help. I prayed that I could go back to church with a softened heart and that I could somehow shake these feelings of inadequacy and frustration that had built up in my mind and in my heart that morning.

A little bit of time had passed and I knew Robert would be starting to worry, but it was actually a good thing I came home because I had forgotten my tithing check. I grabbed it, put my coat back on and headed out the door. I checked my phone to see what time it was and sure enough, my husband text me, "Is everything ok?" I hurried back to church and found him waiting for me.

Marriage is a funny thing. It has been our experience that as husband and wife, we are much more vulnerable to getting our feelings hurt from each other. Over very small things, yes usually, but the hurt runs so much deeper with each other then any good friend or even a sibling. We don't ever mean to hurt each other's feelings (Robert never intentionally hurts anyone's feelings because he is the most charitable person I know). However, it still happens. Our feelings are much more sensitive toward one another and it's easy to take offense. What so funny about it, at least to me, is that I'll be so upset or frusterated or hurt because of something my husband said or did, but the only person I want to run to is him. The second he puts his arms around me and we both apologize, it's the most incredible feeling in the world. Sort of like the time when your mom forgets to pick you up at school and you are soo mad that you plan all these nasty things to say to her but then when she finally pulls up you start crying because you're just so happy to see her and you remember just how much you love her? It's like that, only 10 times more intense...at least for me.

Anyway, the second Robert put his arm around me and gave me the "whatever I did, I'm sorry" look I felt better. My heart was softening already and it felt good to have him next to me the remainder of the meeting. I was first to the primary room and I just sat there quietly waiting for all the children to arrive. Still unsure how I felt about having to teach to day. Then all of sudden, a herd of children came rushing into the room. My class so eagerly came to me to tell me about their week. From the doorway, one of them yelled, "Sister Bennett, Sister Bennett!" I didn't turn around right away because it took me a second to register who he was calling. He was calling to me! His teacher! I can't believe how quickly I have grow attached to my little rambunxious group of 4 and 5 year olds. They are sure a handful but they brighten up my day. The kids' excitement to see me made me feel like a million bucks. Everytime they called me, "Sister Bennett" a warm feeling would run through me. I knew it was my answer to prayer.

Children sure have a way of softening my heart. They are so pure and eager to learn. I'm grateful I get to be "Sister Bennett" now. I'm glad I heard my last name so many times those last few hours of church because it reminded me that I am sealed to the most incredible man. Oh how much I love being the wife to Robert Bennett!

I finally had my emotions under control and on the walk home from church Robert and I were able to talk some things out. We came to a better understanding of each other as we fixed ourselves some food and snuggled for our Sunday Afternoon Nap. Yes, being married has it's challenges, but the joys FAR outweigh any hardship. So much in fact, I hardly remember the hard parts anyway.

I am actually looking forward to Valentine's Day this year because I actually have a Valentine...and I have some fun tricks up my sleeve! I hope you have a special Valentine's Day too. Even if you're single, I hope you surround yourself with the people you love and who love you the very most.

xoxo
jazara