Day Five

Day five

I've been husband-less for five days now. And for those of you who are sick of me writing about my husband's absence, I'm sorry just come back and read my blog in three weeks because I'm sure this isn't the last time I'll write about it!

I think the worst is over.

Sunday night was THEE worst. I had a meltdown and called my mama at like 1am to sob to her about how lonely I was and how Robert wasn't missing me and how he's going to love being away from me so much and not want to come home. All not true of course...but at 1am...your brain does weird things.

Mama made me feel more at ease. She said all the right things. She is a pro at this, seeing as my dad served in the military and is also pilot. She was alone at night many, many times throughout her marriage.

So I took her advice, knelt down and said a prayer...and waddya know. It worked. It really, really worked. I don't remember feeling so much peace during a prayer or having answers so quickly. What a tremendous blessing it is to be able to communicate with God through prayer. I know He hears and listens and cares and knows of my every struggle and heart ache. Aside from that, I know He will in fact answer your prayer(s) when it is right for you. I'm so grateful my mother invited me to do something, I already should've done, because it was exactly what I've needed.

Ever since then, my mood and spirit has been on the up and up!

Today I went to my female doc to try to have an IUD put in. Since my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer again, I felt impressed to look for non-hormonal birth control options while Robert and I await our childbirth years. Well, they say the percentage of women that can receive an IUD prior to childbirth is very small. There are very specific criteria that must be met and for most women, if you haven't given birth yet, it won't work. Lucky for me it worked!! It worked it worked it worked!! I'm now off hormones completely and will be able to relax and not have to worry about birth control each month (or the crazy tears and outbursts and emotional breakdowns). I feel so blessed because I haven't felt any pain discomfort at all. Also very rare. What a blessing. I feel so grateful.

I am getting busy on some super special surprises for Robert's return. I'll keep you posted. ;)

Man, I just wish I had all the money in the world so that I could do all these little decorating projects. They may be small and inexpensive DIY projects...but $30 projects add up over time!

I'm planning to write an update about Robert and his experiences so far in school. Stay tuned for that!

-jazara

...just some thoughts...

I didn't realize how much of a "marriage blog" this has turned into until I went back and read some old blog posts from around this time last year. Robert and I had a good laugh at all the anti-dating, anti-men, anti-marriage posts I had. One after another, after another! Truth be told, it was exactly how I felt back then! I didn't know someone like Robert was going to come into my life and change all my perspectives on dating and relationships and my preconceived notions about what marriage is and what it should be. It was definitely a shock...and sometimes I am still surprised at how quickly it happened.

I'm grateful he took the ever growing amount of bitterness out of my heart and replaced it with love. I haven't lost track of who I am and all the things that make me tick. In fact, I think being married has helped me reconnect with my center and all the hobbies and things I enjoy. What is even better is that this man encourages it all.

I have a deeper appreciation, passion and excitement for the theater. I have been rekindling that love ever since I returned to the stage in 2009 and it is now an even bigger part of my life thanks to him.

I quit my job as a sales associate in a call center selling food storage to actually hunt for a job I would enjoy and delight in. I'm hoping to return to the fashion/retail industry because I yearn for the aesthetic and interaction with people I have things in common with. Thanks to Robert's support I will say goodbye to my job the day before we leave for our road trip.

After Robert completes stunt school, the plan for me is not only finish my last semester of college (that is if I passed this last semester---ooi) but to also go through an intense makeup training so I can create a business and charge for services I've been doing for people since high school.

I'm obsessed with Pinterest as of late (follow me) because it infuses my creativity and is helping me come back in contact with the artist in me.

I guess what I want to say is, the old me from two years ago isn't dead just because I got married. I write about my current affairs and feelings and experiences--more of which happen to be very husband focused--but truthfully, the old me has had some wonderful additions made to her life and some pretty awesome discoveries have been made.

Life is what you make of it. Whether you're single or married. Life can be wonderful if you choose to make it so.

I'm such a ball of emotions!

This morning was one of those "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed" kind of mornings. I went to bed hurt and confused by something I did not need to be hurt and confused by and woke up feeling lousy. I showered and got ready for church and was determined to turn my day around, but I wasn't successful. I still felt like a horrible wife, which only made me feel like a horrible person. I was quiet and reclusive all morning and Robert knew something was going on. He tried to relieve the tension by being his charming silly self, which only made me feel less deserving of him. To make the morning worse, I made us both late to church and so we missed the very essential part of our worship. I had so many things going on in my head and I wouldn't be able to express them to Robert for at least another couple hours. The worst! Now all my bottled emotions were coming to the surface and tears were beginning to fall. I'm too prideful and didn't want Robert or our ward to see me cry again, so I whispered to him to save me a seat then I would come find him. I rushed out the door and walked back in the snow to our basement apartment as fast as I could. Tears trickling down my cheeks.

I walked in the front door and took a deep breath before I started sobbing. I secretly wished my husband would magically appear in the front door to hold me and let me cry into his shoulder and listen to me while I sort out all my emotions the way he always does, but I had already told him nothing was wrong so he wouldn't worry.

The truth is, I didn't exactly know what was wrong. I was just feeling so upset. Upset that it was snowing. Upset that I made us both late. Upset that I had not gotten clarification on the matter from the night before. Upset that I had to go back to church to teach primary. Upset that my job sucks. Upset that my husband is in better shape then me...the list went on and on. I was swimming in selfish pity party and Satan only seemed to be creating obnoxious waves in this "woe is me" pool.
So I knelt down. The thing that works everytime. I knelt there and as I cried I felt a blanket of peace fall over me. My cries quickly turned to soft sobs, then into a slow whimper until my tears ceased. Then I was able to pray. Sometimes I feel like He lets me cry it out before the spirit gently whispers that everything will be okay and it gives me the strength to ask for help. I prayed that I could go back to church with a softened heart and that I could somehow shake these feelings of inadequacy and frustration that had built up in my mind and in my heart that morning.

A little bit of time had passed and I knew Robert would be starting to worry, but it was actually a good thing I came home because I had forgotten my tithing check. I grabbed it, put my coat back on and headed out the door. I checked my phone to see what time it was and sure enough, my husband text me, "Is everything ok?" I hurried back to church and found him waiting for me.

Marriage is a funny thing. It has been our experience that as husband and wife, we are much more vulnerable to getting our feelings hurt from each other. Over very small things, yes usually, but the hurt runs so much deeper with each other then any good friend or even a sibling. We don't ever mean to hurt each other's feelings (Robert never intentionally hurts anyone's feelings because he is the most charitable person I know). However, it still happens. Our feelings are much more sensitive toward one another and it's easy to take offense. What so funny about it, at least to me, is that I'll be so upset or frusterated or hurt because of something my husband said or did, but the only person I want to run to is him. The second he puts his arms around me and we both apologize, it's the most incredible feeling in the world. Sort of like the time when your mom forgets to pick you up at school and you are soo mad that you plan all these nasty things to say to her but then when she finally pulls up you start crying because you're just so happy to see her and you remember just how much you love her? It's like that, only 10 times more intense...at least for me.

Anyway, the second Robert put his arm around me and gave me the "whatever I did, I'm sorry" look I felt better. My heart was softening already and it felt good to have him next to me the remainder of the meeting. I was first to the primary room and I just sat there quietly waiting for all the children to arrive. Still unsure how I felt about having to teach to day. Then all of sudden, a herd of children came rushing into the room. My class so eagerly came to me to tell me about their week. From the doorway, one of them yelled, "Sister Bennett, Sister Bennett!" I didn't turn around right away because it took me a second to register who he was calling. He was calling to me! His teacher! I can't believe how quickly I have grow attached to my little rambunxious group of 4 and 5 year olds. They are sure a handful but they brighten up my day. The kids' excitement to see me made me feel like a million bucks. Everytime they called me, "Sister Bennett" a warm feeling would run through me. I knew it was my answer to prayer.

Children sure have a way of softening my heart. They are so pure and eager to learn. I'm grateful I get to be "Sister Bennett" now. I'm glad I heard my last name so many times those last few hours of church because it reminded me that I am sealed to the most incredible man. Oh how much I love being the wife to Robert Bennett!

I finally had my emotions under control and on the walk home from church Robert and I were able to talk some things out. We came to a better understanding of each other as we fixed ourselves some food and snuggled for our Sunday Afternoon Nap. Yes, being married has it's challenges, but the joys FAR outweigh any hardship. So much in fact, I hardly remember the hard parts anyway.

I am actually looking forward to Valentine's Day this year because I actually have a Valentine...and I have some fun tricks up my sleeve! I hope you have a special Valentine's Day too. Even if you're single, I hope you surround yourself with the people you love and who love you the very most.

xoxo
jazara

Happy New Year!

I'm not tired. My sweet husband and I have been staying up into the wee hours watching episodes of Modern Family and reading The Hunger Games the last couple weeks, and with the holidays...we're just about beat! What a wild ride 2011 has been!

I closed a chapter in my life--said 'Goodbye' to my choir of 3 years, played Kathy Seldon in Singin' in the Rain, traveled to England, France and Scotland, and married the kind of man I thought only existed in my dreams. Becoming Emily Maria Bennett is definitely the highlight of 2011.

What more can I say? I wish I could explain just how magnificant it is to be laying next to my best friend. As I type, I can hear him breathe ever so quietly as he dreams of slaying dragons, or parkour, or teaching the gospel. Maybe even a combination of all three, who knows. I love him so much! I thought I loved him when I accepted his proposal almost 6 months ago. I thought I loved him when I met eyes with him as he glanced up at me from the bottom of the airport steps when I returned home from England. I even thought I loved him when we were sealed together for time and all eternity on October 28, 2011. But nothing compares to the love I feel for him now. Now that we've experienced even more adventures, confided even more secrets, and shed even more tears....

I heard marriage compared to a hot bath. That over time the water gets cold and stale. Well guess what? That is such an easy fix! Drain the water and fill it back up with hot water again. Yes, it takes time and it takes effort. However, I am the most grateful to be married to a man who feels the same way I do about almost everything. Sure, we think in different ways. We have different time frames and our methods are sometimes very different...but at the end of the day, our conclusions are always the same. Here's to MANY more hot baths Blabe!!

It's humbling.
Being married.
I have realized just how capable I was not. I thought I was a pretty confident, independent girl before finding Robert. Now, I see just how much better off I am now that my better half has found me. I feel as if I have wings and can do anything in the whole world.

2012 is going to be incredible and I'm so anxious to share it's ups and downs with no one else other than the man than the one beside me right now.

Bring it on 2012.
Team Bennett is ready to kick your trash!!

...becoming Emily Bennett.

When I was younger, I was such an awesome journal writer. No really. No matter how late it was, I didn't skip a day. I loved writing out my thoughts and ideas. I often went back and read over things I had written in previous years and it's amazing what the old me would teach the new me. I think growing up, regardless of the amount of friends I had and the loving and supportive family I had as well, I still felt alone. I think hormones and puberty makes every 16 year old girl a little bit lonely and depressed. But my journal was my escape. I even had a name for him; Conner. I think it was a boy because even at a young age, I secretly longed to be able to tell a boy all that was in my heart. I began writing to Conner in Jr. High School and continued to write to him clear into college.

Over the years my journal writing habits started to deminish. I was working later and staying up later and just stopped writing as consitantly. It was getting harder and harder to write because the more days I missed, more things happened that I wanted/needed to record and they began to pile up. I got so discouraged trying to catch Conner up on my life between the present day and my last journal entry because even when I would try to catch him up, I usually ended up falling asleep before I got to the good part. I know it sounds crazy, but I would feel guilty for the amount of time that I neglected my journal and before I knew it, so much had happened it always seemed as though there was just no way to catch up on my life.

Then I started blogging a couple years ago and my journal writing habits disappeared almost completely. I noticed some of my blog posts could technically count as journal entries so I slowly turned my blog into somewhat of an illustrated journal and I felt better that I was back to recording my thoughts, feelings and ideas.

Well, interestingly enough I was noticing that same guilt creep up on me. I hadn't blogged for nearly a month! What's worse, what makes me feel the worst, is that these have been by far, thee BEST four weeks of my entire life. I wanted to write about going to the LDS temple, my wedding day, my honeymoon, my new apartment, the San Jose open house....just to write what it has been like "becoming Emily Maria Bennett" because it's been a wild ride and it's worth sharing. I would even think up blog entries and catchy titles while I was at work or driving in the car, but I never ended up writing anything. Pretty soon, my discouragement got the best of me and I began to feel like too much had happened. I can't just pick up where I left off! I have to tell people about this time. I need to write it down somewhere so I don't forget and I have to show my pictures! It is just such a daunting task to imagine how to accurately articulate each of these events...they are just so significant.

It wasn't until I finally began unpacking my things in our new apartment, that I discovered my old journals, all 18 of them. I reached for the most current one just to see how long it had been since I had written last, but something stopped me. I decided to reach for one from quite a few years ago, opened to a random page in the middle and began to read. I sat there reading for over an hour. I smiled, I laughed, I even cried a little bit. Most days, I feel like I am the same person through and through. That I haven't changed a bit.  However, as I read my journal...once again, the old me was teaching the new. It became apparent that Emily Smith was now counseling Emily Bennett. I was reminded of many blessings. I was inspired by my hope and positive outlook despite the "issue" or difficult challenge I was facing at the time. I was relieved when I turned the pages to find that my faith and hope had proven strong enough. I was touched by the love that I had and the passion in which I wrote. But most of all, I was humbled as I saw witness of the Lord in my life. How he molded and created me. How He directed and even redirected my path day after day that I would be the person I needed to be and in the place that I needed to be to meet my eternal companion.

Becoming Emily Bennett has not been a process I've been experiencing these last three weeks of marriage. No. Rather, it has been a life long process. I have been preparing for this transition my entire life, despite what some journal entries might say. Reading through my journal taught me this. There may not be such thing as soul mates, but there is such a thing as the Lord putting certain people in your life at certain times for certain purposes. I needed Robert then, I need Robert now and I surely know I'm going to need Robert later.

So here it is, here are the thoughts that I must record. Here is what I wanted to share and need to write before too much time passes and I don't write anything--

Being married has been an interesting and wild ride so far. But every single second has been enjoyable because I am with someone who stands right along side me each step of the way. We laugh, we cry...I tell him everything. He's my escape. I feel more confident and beautiful that I ever have before. I feel unstoppable. I feel complete. Marrying Robert Michael Bennett for time and all eternity was the best decision of my life. For this, I am most grateful.

I'm on the up and up.

...my thoughts are everywhere! But that's nothing new.....

It's raining and it's perfect.

I love a couple days of rain. Rain in Utah is very different than rain in London. London's rain has a feeling of permanance to it, Utah rain does not. It doesn't last longer than a few days so it is very clean and refreshing. This little rainstorm we're having is a little hello from the fall weather that is just around the corner and I could not be more excited. I'm giddy thinking about being married during the holidays and actually snuggling up next to someone else who loves floppy sweaters, adores my knitted socks and wants a autumn playlist in the background as we sip hot chocolate.

I'm sorry I haven't blogged lately. I don't have any excuses. I was driving today and my radio went out again and I found myself talking to myself...both occurances are very common...and my dialogue was as though I was writing a blogpost. Of course, I forgot everything I was thinking about on my drive home so I am now sitting here listening to the rain snuggled up under my feather down comforter thinking about my wedding dress.

Can I just say a few things about my wedding? I'll make it brief. After a month of fittings and nothing but pure joy, I brought my wedding dress home. It's finished. My wedding dress is done and my marriage is becoming more and more real. My dress is a unique, 30's inspired, one of a kind design incorporating lace from my mother's wedding gown. And my shoes....to die for. My dad's favorite part? My dress cost less then my announcements did and my announcements were only just over $300. Apart from my groom of course, my announcements have been one of my favorite parts of my wedding up until now because my dress seriously takes the cake. So excited to take bridals this coming Saturday.

My photographer is a golden ticket. She is making my dreams come true. So is my videographer. Robert and I filmed a date video and I could just die it's so perfect. She added some filters and special effects to the video that really fits Robert and I. Come to our reception at Wadley Farms to see everything I've mentioned so far.

I can't believe it's so soon. It's all happening so fast. I am so excited and happy and eager to take this new uncharted path. I couldn't be marrying a more perfect fit for me.

22 days.

...I now wear a diamond ring on my left hand.

Last Sunday, the most wonderful man asked for my hand in marriage.

I accepted his proposal and we will be married October 28, 2011.

I may currently be in London, England...but nothing that happens here in the UK will exceed the joy or love I feel for this man. It's been three whole days since I left him in the states--and I miss him like crazy. I already look forward to our reunion.

I have several stories and now that I have wi-fi I will be able to post more often.

Do you have any favorite places to see, shop or dine in London?

...I had a wise thought.

I will not find someone to get married.
Rather, I will get married when I find someone.