I guess it's finally time to write it all out. I've avoided it now for awhile, fearing that I would miss something or not say it quite right. I think it's just time to finally put a cap on everything I've been feeling the last few weeks. I just didn't think I'd feel this emotional or that it would be this hard.
Three summers ago, I sang in a trio my final week of EFY with Katie Brammer and Staci Mecham, two BCs I had the privilege of working with at BYU for nine, long weeks. I was influenced greatly by each individual on my BC team that summer, but these two women played an integral part in what would lead to a life-changing decision. That final week, during that final song, I received a very clear, very distinct spiritual impression. You see, both Katie and Staci were in Latter-Day Voices at Utah State and ALL summer long I heard endless stories, drama and discussions about "their choir." I'm sure I rolled my eyes a few times, but mostly I thought it sounded quite fascinating and by the way they spoke about it, I knew it was something special. I knew there was a similar choir at the Orem Institute and though I knew nothing about it, I tried to relate to their stories through my vague recollection of seeing the framed choir photos on the wall everyday as I walked to Brother Bartholomew's institute class. Turns out, Quirl Hansen, an attractive EFY counselor I worked with that summer had previously been a member. My interest peaked and I began to make connections and learn a little bit about the choir, Latter-Day Celebration.
I have always loved to sing. I grew up singing and performing and each week at EFY, I had several opportunities to share my testimony through song. Something I have always loved to do. Katie, Staci and I sang in three part harmony the "Steady and Sure" theme song and I remember exactly how I stood next to those two, on stage in the JSB on BYU campus when the spirit bore witness to me more powerfully then ever before that the gospel of Jesus Christ was true. As I stood there and sang, I felt as though I was outside myself, something I had never experienced singing before, and I was amazed at the power our voices had together. The witness the three of us bore together was stronger and more influential then my voice alone could ever be...that's when I knew, I would join the Latter-Day Celebration choir.
School started and I had made arrangements in my schedule hoping to make it in the choir. I auditioned singing my favorite EFY song, "When All is Said and Done." I don't know how or why, but I knew that I would make it. I just had this feeling that it was where the Lord wanted me and when I saw my name on the list the following day, I was anxious and excited to see what this choir had in store.
The first time we sang together that year was for a devotional at the institute. It was rough, just like it always is the very first song of the year, but I sat up in those choir seats and I thought to myself, "I will be in this choir until they kick me out."
What followed next were three incredible years of friends, dating, parties, singing, service, testifying, learning, leading and loving. Each year I omitted more from my life and more of my time so I could give to this choir. I sit here now, trying to collect my thoughts and feelings and sum it all up in a few short words but it's difficult. It's difficult because I have learned so much. My heart has been stretched so greatly. I have grown and matured in ways I had never imagined. Who I was when I first auditioned compared to who I am now, well, the difference between the two is unfathomable.
After my first year, I was determined to persuade my younger brother to join the choir and made it a point to mention something in every letter I wrote him on his mission. My determination paid off and he too became apart of LDC. My second year, I served as president. That seems so long ago now, but I learned some very, very valuable things and had very special spiritual experiences. I sobbed as I bid farewell to my "LDC chickens" that final night of tour. I recall feeling a bit empty inside as I felt a physical weight lift from my body when they announced the name of the new president, Lauren Anderson. I felt blessed to be able to pass the torch to someone I loved so much, but I still wondered if my third and final year could possibly be better then the year I had just completed.
Well, here I am having completed my third and final year. All I can say is that it that was better then my first and second year combined. I had no idea I could feel this way. I have never before felt the love of my Savior more intensely or immensely. I am overwhelmed. I have cried and cried then cried some more, so much in fact that there are no more tears to cry.
But my tears are not tears of sorrow or sadness. No, they are tears of joy. Tears of gratitude and love. I am so grateful I had these experiences. I am so happy to have sung under the direction of Brother Ryan Eggett. He has influenced me in ways words cannot describe. Next to my parents, I can say that he has been most influential in defining who Emily Maria Smith is and will be. He has said things and taught principles and doctrine I will cherish and look to for the rest of my life.
Being a member of LDC for three years has taught me my purpose in life. It has taken years of the Lord working on my heart--to align my desires with His. Years for me to accept that my sole purpose in this life is to be a mother of His children; to lead and guide and raise a righteous family in the gospel. It's what I want more than anything in this world. No degree in school, career in a big city, or starring role in a Broadway musical could change my mind.
"And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?"
My answer is yes.
My life goes on in endless song-how can I keep from singing?
I will continue to shout on, press on and fight on because I know that my Redeemer lives.
"Keep holding on, you'll make it. Here's my hand, so take it....
I'll never let you go, I'll never let you go, I'll never let...you go."
Thank you. Thank you so so much.
Love always,
Jazara
